A Time of...

I can't write this in poetry because I honestly don't know how I would say it in poetry.

One of the most painful life experiences happened back in May. The first week of May I flew to Chicago to go see my best friend. I went with just his mom because she really wanted to see him. He was stationed in a base over there for the navy which he left for back in august of 2007.

On a side note, there's a huge story behind everything. My best friend Rich and I had dated a while ago when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. We went to two different schools, me in Island Trees and him in Farmingdale. We dated for a good five/six months and eventually ended up breaking up; we were both so young at the time. I kept in contact with his mom because i adored his whole family and they adored me but i didn't speak to her often. Then around Christmas time last year, i got a phone call from his mom that he was leaving and he wanted to see me. I was in complete shock since I had not even spoken to him personally since we broke up. I then spoke to him on the phone for a while and we made plans to meet up. I went over to his house with my mom and, us and his mom and him all hung out. Something obviously sparked between us because he wanted to spend more time with me before he left. We started hanging out, talking a lot, and going out together. This eventually brought back the feelings I had for him and also his for me. It was so hard since he was leaving

At first he was suppose to leave end of June. He then pushed it to the end of August to spend more time with me, and his family and friends. August came so fast and I just couldn't believe he was leaving. I was completely heart broken. The night before he left he came over and all I could do was cry. I fell back in love with him so fast and so much. He even gave me a necklace, it was a gold cross with a heart in it and with it came a dog tag that said "We will always be together." I just couldn't believe he was just going to leave. And the next day he left. I didn't even get to say goodbye because I ended up having to go to my great oma's funeral. I was torn apart.

All I could do was cry constantly. I'd cry during the day and mostly at night. I barely got to speak to him but he sent me letters. We would write back and fourth and keep talking that way. His mom kept telling me how much he really loved me but hated seeing me hurt and hated seeing me sad. So i continued to date other people, which was difficult because I had so many feelings for Rich that I just kept comparing everyne to him. Things never worked out between me and other people and I hated not being so faithful with my feelings to them. It killed me so much.

After a few months, he came home for Christmas. He had two weeks. The first day he came home he came to see me. He was all decked out in his uniform which drove me wild since i cannot resist a man in uniform. He was so muscular and sexy. But he was different. I could tell right off the bat he was different and I wasn't sure it was in a good way. After that day I never really got to see him; he never really made any time for me. It hurt me so bad knowing this. But his mom kept telling me he loved me so much but it was just hard for him to see me because he didn't want to say goodbye and it was so hard for him to leave me. So i accepted that answer and saw him one more time before he left. After that, I went on with my life and continued to have feelings for him.

Then in mid March I was talking to his mom and we decided to go visit him in a town near Chicago which is where his base was. We booked a whole trip and flew out there the first weekend of May. We left on a Friday, which I was a nervouse wreck getting on the plane because I hate flying. But I did it, despite my fear. We saw him Friday night when we landed, and went to dinner. Then we went up to our hotel where we were all staying. His mom slept in one bed, him and I in another. But the entire time he was completely different. He was so unhappy and he didn't want to talk. He didn't want to know anything and didn't have anything to tell me. He was so cold towards me and I didn't understand why. But then I started to realize it wasn't only towards me; it was also towards his own mother. Saturday we went out to chicago and he just ignored me the entire time. But he did take me to this one store in downtown which I went on a crazy shopping spree with. Other than that he was a coplete jerk the entire day. He would walk infront of me with his hood up and hands in his pocket. We ended up fighting and I told him how I felt. How I came all the way out there to be treated like I was nothing. He eventually did apologize, which was hard for him to do but he did.

Then at night we ended up getting cuddley and kissy and stuff like that but didn't do anything futher. He left at five in the morning to go back to his base. He kissed me goodbye and said he loved me and then left. I was heartbroken yet again and started to cry. But I sucked it up. We headed home on Sunday. I was so happy to be home.

At this point, with everything that happened over the weekend, I knew what I had to do. It was time to let go. Time to move on. We were two different people now. He was just so cold, the navy really changed him. I was the warm bubbly me who wanted love. I knew it was something that was never going to happen until he got out which is in about 8 years or so. I knew I couldn't wait any longer, couldn't live in this fairytale land anymore. I just needed to let him go.

So I did.

I let him go. Which this was probably the hardest and most painful thing for me to ever do. I knew I had to, I didn't want to, but I had to.

But that's when I realized how special John was. He was there for me when I told him everything about Chicago, when I cried. I realized how important he was and how much he really cared about me. We started seeing eachother more often, and spending time. And then we evolved into what we are now.

I guess with this experience I learned a lot. I learned that you have sacrfice something you love to get something even greater of a love. I am going to hold this throughout my life.