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The Naked Truth

I am going out on a limb here
This is something I never do
I figured i'd be creative
and write a poem about it too

as i stood in front of the mirror
what did i see?
little and behold
I saw the naked me

I see my stomach
and how I am starting to slim down
i see the old nailpolish on my toes
as i looked down

I see the stretch marks
the cellulite too
i'm using different creams
for this i want to lose

I see some curves
some love handles too
i got to stop eating those cupcakes
to get rid of those too

i see my tattoo
which is still pretty new
i see the beauty marks
all over me too

I don't like how i look
i miss how i used to be
but in a few months
i'm pretty sure i will see
will see the person who i used to be
will slim down and look really great.
really great you'll see
just give it time
and yes my poetry does suck
but at least i'm trying!

Rantomania

I fucking hate my boyfriends parents. They are such assholes. To start, they hate me because they think i'm this big whore and that my parents are bad parents because I get to stay out lateand don't have a curfew? I'm sorry if i turned 18, but it's funny because i rarely ever go out.All me and my boyfriend do is stay in and relax since we both worked a lot and even now i fucking work all the damn time. After all I did for the bitch of a mother she is I hate her. She supposedly has cancer so when she wasn't feeling well i'd bake her homemade oatmeal cookies(her favorite) and bake his family cupcakes and all the happy go lucky bullshit.But no,she doesn't appreaciate any of that.She has the balls to sit there and down me and try to make me looklike an asshole when shes a fucking drama queen. She lays in bed and cries all the time because she keeps saying shes dying.But when the doctor turned around and said that the cancer was almost gone because her meds melted them away and it would be gone in a few weeks she was happy go lucky mom of the fucking year. She was able to get up and do stuff around the house and cook and she was especially nice to john(my boyfriend). Now that she found out she had an allergic reaction to the meds, she's all "oh i'm dying, i can't move or do anything. my legs are shot and I can't even get up to go use the bathroom" What a fucking act. She is just such a fucking drama queen and i'm sick of her.All she does is put john down on how much he is a bad person and a fuck up when that is not the case at all.She's a fucking failure because she is so dramatic about her illness and she is such a bitch. And his father, don't even get me started. He's a mailman and thinks he is the smartest person alive. Wow Fucking asshole. You don't know shit. You can go fuck yourself because your an asshole. He has the nerve to call my house and bitch to my mom and make fun of us because i went to fucking island trees high school and plainedge has a vendetta against us.HELLO GROW THE FUCK UP! seriously.He's an asshole.
And you know what i hate most? The mothers from levittown. They are fucking bitches. They think that their shit don't stink and that they are miss wonderful with the stick uptheir asses.Fuck you you stupid bitches. If you think you are all cool and tough and shit I'd like to see you come up against me or my mother because you will so not win no matter what you do. I will shoot your ass down in a matter of seconds and knock you flat on your ass to give you a taste of fucking reality. You bitches don't deserve to be standing there without blood dripping from your disgusting faces. Just go back into your little pta mother group and all shoot eachother in the head for being so damn stupid and bitchy.
I hate all you people. so much,with such a passion. I hope you all drop dead.

The Place I love...

There is a place the I love to go to. It's mostly during the summer and it's a common place.You could go during the winter but it gets too cold. You can talk a walk down onto the sand and let your feet sink into it. The water gets cold but on a hot summer day it feels so good for it to rush up onto your feet and then pull away. The wind blows to keep you cool and you can lay out in the sun. That is probably my most favorite part. You can lay down on a blanket or towel and just let the suns hot rays beat down on your body and warm you up. You can either get a good tan or get sunburn which is never fun but oh well. You can see many different sea animals depending on where you go. Sometimes you see jelly fish, horse shoe crabs, spider crabs, crabs, muscles, starfish, and all of those types. You should beware if you see a shark because that is never good especially with people in the water.Aside from that, it's a great place to go with friends and even family.You can grab your friends, hop in the car, pay like ten dollars or even get a pass, go and just hang out and relax. You can play volley ball, football, and all kinds of sport games. That always seems to make the men happy. Plus they get to look at women who are in bathing suits and vce vera for the women. That's always a fun part. The smell of the air always smells like salt and seaweed.All you can hear is the waves crashing down, people talking, ipods with music playing, and the seaguls barking. If you haven't already figured it out, my favorite place that I love to be is as the beach!

counter point

I love liars,
their games are as bad as tigers.
I hate drama.
And most of all drama queens.
I love bitches and their bullshit
I love the love shows that have girls on them who totally care
I think it's funny when they win and the person screws them over
I love brandi c, megan and lacey too
I love how they are so manipulative
and jerk people around
I love how people drink excessively
and puke their brains out
I love being mom and taking care of them
I love people who cause drama
they always make things fun
I love the feeling you get
when you get smoke in your lungs
I love the way people smoke
and i love how they think they are fine
but i'll be laughing when they are dying
I love the women in this town
who think they are the best
i love how they put me down
and follow the rest
I love how disgusting most guys can get
I love watching football
and I love watching the jets
I love when my dog throws up all of the carpet
I love when my little brother in school
becomes a target
I love to get walked all over and let people talk down on me
it's funny when they see, the real side of me.
I love fat girls who think they are hot
hey i might be chubby but i know where i stand
i love guys who lie, cheat and play
they are my favorite, maybe ill marry one someday
i love when people are cruel to animals
i love men who go hunting and kill like animals
i love spinach and all it's yummy nutrients
i love how moms make their kids eat all of it.
I love how i hate writing poetry but here i am trying
I love how i am finished and done with this writing.

I Remember....

About six years ago, she stayed home from school because she was sick. Not only was she sick but also her life long friend too. Unfortunately, her friend's illness was long term. This was extremely heartbreaking for her because her friend was like her other half. They were like peanut butter and jelly, peas and carrots; they just messed well together. Her friend was suffering from cancer of the mouth. It was very hard for her to accept this and hard for her to watch as her best friend slowly died. The worst experience she had was one day she came home from school,saw blood leading toward the bathroom. As she followed the trail into the bathroom she saw her friend leaning the tumor on the cold toilet to relieve the pain. It was the most horrifying event that anyone could have seen. It scared her to death from knowing that at any moment she could wake up and her best friend be gone. It did happen that one day. Like I said before, she stayed home from school because she was sick. Her dad put the collar and leash on her and said he was "Just taking her to get checked out and see what the doctors could do to help her." She got this funny feeling in her stomach that something drastic was about to happen but she ignored it. A few hours later, her father returned home by himself. They had to put her to sleep he said. She was suffering way too much for her to go on. In a way it was the best thing. She will never forget the memories they shared of sledding in the snow, playing in the playhouse, and being her best friend.

R.I.P. Lucky.
You were not only a wonderful dog
but also my best friend<3

Self Assessment

So with all the work that I have done so far this semester, I have to say I think I did a pretty good job with everything. I never really was good with photography, but I really have learned a lot and think I have improved in that field. I think I did a good job capturing myself as well. In my opinion it was very difficult to reveal certain aspects of myself which is why I'm surprised I was able to do it. For instance, I was never able to really reveal to anyone about my anger issues or my fighting habits or even what is hiding deep beneath the surface. Showing that part of myself was really hard because I really don't like that side of me let alone want anyone to really know about it. I guess you can say I'm pretty ashamed of that side but being able to express it really helped me cope with it.

I have to say, writing these blogs was a stress reliever and a way that I was able to get any thoughts or emotions out knowing I really was not being judged. And if I was, I could have cared less at this point because I am more comfortable with myself after putting it all out there. The most difficult part of this was revealing the fantastic self since I don't really know how I am fantastic. I have always had a low self esteem so it was very difficult to express that side of me.

I think as time progressed, my work and writing became better and better. I learned all the features on the camera which was cool and started doing so much better with photography. It was a pain in the ass to have to constantly be writing on this thing though. When I used to use those online journals and stuff when I was younger, I'd maybe update every week or so which the entries would be longer and juicer. But I really enjoyed writing on this thing.

Therefore, in the end, if I had to grade myself, I'd give myself an A- since I worked hard trying to do everything correct, I did the assigned blog entries, and I tried new things outside of my comfort zone to bring out a creative side I never knew I had. Hopefully this is taken into consideration.

Proposition 8

It's a bunch of fucking bullshit. Okay, here's my rant on this. I was so pissed off this morning when I saw on the news that they passed proposition 8 so I figured I would be a meaty blog entry to rant more about how much our government sucks. For those of you who don't know, proposition 8 is the newly passed law in California to ban gay/lesbian marriages. Now I am TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY, for gays/lesbian marriages because I know many people who happen to be gay and I respect them for it. It's their decision in life, not anyone else's decision and I think it's so fucked up on the government getting involved. These people are just the same as you and me, they just have a different sexual preference and there is NOTHING wrong with this. It is not fair that the stupid government, filled with a bunch of morons, should be able to butt in and take away their rights and their future. What makes this even worse, is now that they banned this, more and more people are going to stay locked in the closet in fear that society will reject them. This is why a good portion of teenage suicide is homosexuals; they are afraid to reveal their true selves because our pathetic society refuses to accept any difference. At that point they just let everything eat away at them inside and the next thing you know they have a fucking barrel down their throat and BAM! They are the dead.

I am so pissed off right now that the government would even think about doing this. They should fucking leave these people alone and worry about the other problems that are going on in the world. The homosexuals should be the least of their problems; it's not like they are flying planes into buildings or doing suicide bombings.

It's fucking ridiculous that they would take their rights away. The government is so pathetic and I hope karma is a bitch to them because they deserve it. When suicide rates keep getting higher and higher maybe they will sit down and think with their punny minds that hmmmm, maybe this isn't a fucking coincidence. Maybe ITS THEM who are causing homosexuals to kill themselves.

Fuck the government.

Pictures

I did some pictures on photoshop. I think they came out really cool! =) I learned a few more things on there so I was able to make some awesome stuff

Inner self

I am so awesome. I am so cool. Everyone should be so jealous of me.

Okay maybe not all that but I do have a magnificent side that not everyone can see. I am very in touch with my emotions and feelings. This also helps from doing yoga, which I love. I love how my nails are always cool and up until recent, I love how my hair looked. My hair should soon be restored to it's natural self where it was a beautiful blonde ontop and black underneath. I happen to like myself a lot more from writing this thing. So I have a higher self esteem now which shows in my magnificent self. I think I am awesome; I own at video games especially halo (or once did atleast) and guitar hero or rockband. I think I am cool because I'm probably one of the few girls who actually can play. Same thing goes with cars, I'm probably one of the few girls who knows anything about them. Therefore, I am so cool =).

On that note I took a few yoga pose pictures which is what I do after doing a yoga exercise to calm myself and be in harmony and peace with myself:



The first one is the no fear pose which is self explanitory. The second one is a symbol of energy so it hits every points of your body including your fingertips and relaxs you to release any excess energy. I feel mostly harmonized when I do yoga because you control everything with your own breath and also the movements around you that you make are more or less a feel for the world. It brings you closer to your feelings inside and also to the world around you which is like the sisters explained about meditation on the retreat. I do actually feel beautiful when I do this as well because I feel like I am losing weight and also becomming more flexible. I feel so good after I do this either every morning or later at night.

So that's it for my inner self. I wouldn't know what else to say because I don't think there is anything else about me to say. I've poured my heart and soul out. =)

Obama elected president...

Oh boyy. We are in for something new, let me tell you. And no it's not because he's black and all that crap. It's because he's so inexperienced and probably won't be able to help the country out any bit. There are so many problems right now in this country and I really don't think he is going to be able to handle. I'm very disappointed with this entire election. Despite how old McCaine was I think we could benifit from his knowledge and experience and we may have even had a way to get out of this before hitting another depression. But now we are absolutely fucked.

I am happy we made history with the first black president being elected but why him? Why couldn't another guy be elected who was black. We are so screwed.

AND BTW, Anyone who thinks my opinion doesn't matter because I didn't vote can go to hell. My opinion IS vaild and just because i didn't want to be the cause of American blowing up with these idiots in office doesn't mean that it doesn't matter. Did you see what happened in New Mexico? THEY WENT AGAINST THEIR POPULAR VOTE. Hmmmm I think that's one reason I stated yesterday about why I don't vote. Our votes are bullshit and don't count. It's what the politicians want. Like I keep saying, our votes are just a suggestion because us as Americans are so unsophisticated unlike these genuis politicans. Hm, they are so smart and do so good for the country,like putting Bush in office for example. Look how well that one went: we are in a war where we can't get out of/should not have started in the first place, we are about to hit another depression because the economy is messed up. I think the only good that came out of it was the gas prices lowered. Hm but I wonder why they sky rocketed the first place. Hmmmm. What a genuis to have put in office.

I honestly am praying to god that Obama will end up being smart and change my opinion about him. And I NEVER pray so hopefully it will work. I really don't want to see the country plumet and really hit rock bottom. I also don't want to see taxes raised otherwise a lot of people are going to be screwed in New York and probably not be able to afford living here. God help us.

Not voting Today!

Okay so today is Election day and I REFUSE to vote. I figured I'd rant about why I don't want to vote.

First off, I don't believe my vote is ever going to count no matter what. The electoral college is a joke and everyone says it's good we have it because "Americans would make a disaster of our country if we didn't have it." BULLSHIT. The electoral college is filled with normal guys like everyone else in this country picking the next president. These guys sleep, eat, drink, and do everything else that everyone else does but somehow they are magically different from everyone else and they have these magically powers and are so god damn sophisticated which makes them able to put their votes towards the president. (Run on sentence, I know). Hello does anyone else see what the hell is going on here? This is absolutely ridiculous. These people think they are better than everyone else which is why they have the power to pick where their votes go. Our votes don't mean shit. The votes are basically something the people running the electoral college take into consideration; they are just suggestions. Our government is so fucked up it's not even funny. Ironically, everyone is going into a panic because the economy is bad. What about everything else that has gone wrong? and everyone is worried about the fucking economy? What about the war going on in Iraq? At one point people were so concerned but now no one gives a shit. Did they ever think of this: That if this war escalates into something worse we may not even have a fucking country to have an economy? Do you think maybe just maybe, terrorism is going to get worse where nukes can get involved and then blow everyone to hell?

Hmmmmm...our economy is not the only thing that's fucked.

Anyways, as I got off topic, Another reason why I refuse to vote is look at the idiots running for president. You might as well just keep Bush in administration while you are at it. On one side you have old guy who looks like he's about to drop dead any second with a crazy, psychotic female running for vp who thinks she has international experience because she can see Russia from her window. On the other side, you have Obama running which oh god, don't get me started. I'll tell you a funny story with this one: I was going to Bayville firehouse for the haunted attraction there and everyone has to park their car in a lot and get on a school bus to go to the actual place. On the way back to the cars afterwards, we were all sitting on the bus and all of a sudden this woman of spanish decent gets up and yells "Vote Obama!!! Black is back!!!" I was like "You have to be fucking serious right?" Many people were only voting him because of his race, not because of his experience of anything like that but because he himself is part black. Are people that pathetic to think because he's black that all of a sudden the african american race is going to rule the fucking world?Now I don't mean to offend anyone but look whose being fucking racist. Everyone considers racism to be white people saying shit about black/hispanic or asians but what about when black people talk shit about white people? Does that not count at all towards anything? Hence why I think this whole election was fucking stupid, people were voting for the wrong god damn reasons, what idiots.

The last reason I didn't vote, POLITICIANS LIE ABOUT EVERY GOD DAMN THING.

Okay, enough ranting, I am going to go clean to keep myself occupied for the day. The only good thing out of this election was the day off =)

Pictures from the retreat

So these were all the pictures from the retreat. My favorite ones have to be the fifth, sixth, and seventh pictures. I think they came out amazing and I am so proud of myself to have taken them.

Retreat

Okay so the retreat was more than amazing. I have never had so much fun in my entire life. It felt so good to get away from everything and everyone here on long island.

To start off, the car ride up there was awesome. Megan and I ended up getting lost and ending up somewhere in New Jersey. We passed the weirdest town names lik e"Ho Ho Kus" and "Muwhaha" It was hysterical. Upon arriving we settled into the rooms and then went and played some basketball, which i am horrible at. Then we went for a short walk to the pond that was there and then down to the garden with Sister Margarette. Finally everyone arrived and we started the activities from there.

I really have to say, the fire we had later that night was really awesome. I really liked the little prayer bags that we threw into the flames. Everyone that was there really made it awesome, whether it was mike falling and crushing the marshmellows or Aisha scaring everyone half to death. I really liked talking to everyone there and getting to know people more like Jill. We had a lot of fun just talking and hanging out. I also liked how we had to put our cell phones in the basket. It kind of took my mind off the outside world thatwe could not communicate to. That is something I needed very badly so I'm glad they did it.

I was really upset when it was time to leave. Every activity and thing we did up there really made me realize a lot. I realized that I tend to take everything for granted. I learned that I am pretty good at meditating for a long period of time =)! I also learned how good it felt to get away from life for a while. I also never realized how beautiful nature or even New York really was until we were up there. The trees were magnificant and all of the leaves were so colorful and bright; the nature scene was something I fell in love with.

The experience up there was something I will never forget. I am so glad i decided to go on the retreat and I feel bad for the people who were unable to experience this with the rest of the class.

I'll probably post all the pictures tomorrow since I have so many.

Halloween party for the little kids.

So my grandfather lives in Forest Hills, Queens and they had a huge party for halloween for the kids that live in the complex he manages yesterday. So for the party I made a cake which took me a whole entire day to make. Here's what it looked like:



Everything was eatable except for the tree but I figured I'd share with you what I think is very creative. I worked so hard on this and it was a huge success. Some people even said it was art. I was like huh? lol. On that note, I got an offer to do another cake for this girls birthday; she wants a Hannah Monatana cake or whatever the girls name is. I think I am going to take her up on the offer and get a little bit more creative.

Other than that, the part was also a success. We all had to dress up and scare the little kids. We did a spook walk and they were so scared. My best friend James helped out; he was Mike Meyers. He has a custom made jumpsuit and the mask which he paid a lot for so it looked so realistic. On the way home he sat by the window and scared everyone. One girl even dropped her cigarette out of her mouth and started to bug out. It was hysterical. I don't think the car ride home ever went that fast or was ever that funny. I never thought anyone would react as hysterical these people did. We were dying from all of their actions, wouldn't you be?

Yay

Now this blog is supposed to be psychedelic and weird. Now I tried sitting still and writing down all my thoughts that came to mind during meditation and this is what came to me:

I feel so god damn sick
I feel the puke in my mouth
It wants to come up
but i refuse to allow it
I hate throwing up
I feel like shit
I am about to cry
Here it comes

That's basically all I was able to get out of that. I hate being fucking sick. Especially throwing up, that's the worst thing out of everything. I just want to take my fucking stomach out of my god damn body and throw it out the window. And I am really pissed off because I don't know how to make this shit crazy and shit. So lets see. You want something trippy for a blog? You should have taken a look at all the fucking pretty colors in my puke that swirled together mixed with stomach acid and my morning breakfast of s'mores poptarts. How yummy and tasteful? I hope I am not censoring too much.

I was going to take a picture of how I look like absolute shit after puking up everything that was left in my stomach but fuck that, I am too tired and want to pass out. I honestly don't know how the hell I am typing this stupid blog but I figured I'd try and entertain myself in some way and try and think other thoughts rather than the contents of my stomach. I also figured it was something to do since I was unable to attend class today. The worst is I have a stupid midterm tomorrow in Communications which I bound to fail since I don't feel like studying but I might as well since I have nothing better to do other than sleep and eat fucking soup and crackers all god damn afternoon.

Video from the city trip that was Friday

I made a video from all of the pictures I took from the city which was freaking awesome. The show was so different and unique which I absolutely loved. It was probably one of the best experiences I have ever had.

One of my fears...

So I have this huge fear on death. I was thinking a lot about it last night after posting the blog about the ghosts in my house who we believe is to be my dead Aunt. I am so scared to die, i get so nervous just thinking about it. The worst is when I have dreams about the death of family members and friends. I wake up shaking and freaking out, having a really bad panic attack. I just get so freaked out about it and I don't know why. I have never really been afraid of anything except for this. It all of a sudden started getting worse though which is a huge problem. I never was afraid of horror movies and now sometimes when I watch them, I have to shut them off because of all the people dying. It just gets me thinking a lot and I don't understand why.

What I don't get is what really happens when you die. I mean, I see all these spirits and all this stuff in my own home which leads me to believe they are earth bound for whatever their reason is. Is their really a heaven? Is there really a hell. The worst part is this answer will be forever unknown until we die. I think that is what scares me the most. It's probably the only question in the world without a scientific or even an answer. I guess that's where your beliefs with religion come in. But there is just so much with religion that you never know what to believe in anymore. All you can really do from now on is hope. But it's scary. It's scary to think of it.

I really want to believe there is an after life. I want to believe you still live in soul here on the earth. But I just don't know. I don't know what to feel.

All I know is I am just going to enjoy and live life as much as possible. So that way when death does come, I know I experienced all that I could and have no regrets.

Ghosts much?

So I figured what I would do is post an entry of the ghosts, or what i believe to be ghosts, in my house. I am a great believer in this kind of stuff and absolutely love it (obviously from my previous entries). The oddest thing happened to me about a week or two ago that I should have posted but just didn't since I guess I'm still kind of shocked. Not the last time we were working on our puppets but the time before that, I took off the pre-engagement ring that my boyfriend gave to me so I didn't ruin it. I put it in my bag where I thought it would be safe. I completely forgot to put it back on until later on that night. I searched through my bag and could not find it. I started to bug out and grabbed my mom to help me find it. We both went out to my car and tried to find it since I thought maybe it fell somewhere in my car. I went back inside and looked through my bag again since we failed to find it in the car. My mom grabbed a flash light and went back out to the car to see maybe if we missed it or something. She was kneeling on my passenger seat, looking for it when she started asking my Aunt Trish to please help us find the ring. Now my aunt passed away back in July which was devasting for everyone in my family. Ever since then, I could swear she's still here. We aren't so religious so it was kind of weird for my mom to be praying to my dead aunt to guide us to the ring. Ironically, the ring turned up right next to my moms leg while she was kneeling on the seat. The both of us sat and ran our hands over the seat prior the first time. It was just so weird that it magically turned up.

The next inccident was in my grandma's room. My grandma has been living with us for the past five years or so. She has a big room where she sleeps and her dog stays and she also has a walk in closet. That same night with the whole ring inciddent, her closet door opened out of no where. She came out to the living room and told my mom and I and we started to investigate. We grabbed the camera and went into her room since too many weird things had been happening that night. These are the pictures we took. Notice the orbs near the ceiling.

Now we both believe that since my aunt's little christmas houses are in the closet there, she is attached to them in the closet. But we also walked back into the living room and started snapping pictures and this is what we found:




























The random white lines near the ceiling are something I have never seen before. It only was in these pictures in my living room. We took other pictures of my kitchen and stuff but nothing showed up. Btw, just ignore my brother, he's a weird kid. But yeah that was my weird and interesting ghost experience.

Inner Child

This is my inner child. I have a million stuffed animals that I sleep with all the time hence why my eyes are closed. I tried giving off the idea of me sleeping which I kind of pulled off. But I love stuffed animals so much, I don't think I could ever sleep or live without them. I also braided my hair in pig tails to give the innocent girlish looking affect. Deep down inside we are all still daddy's little girls.

A Time of....

It is one night only
laughing, dancing, having fun
feeling free on prom night?

I figured I would write a Haiku to start this one off. The time where I felt most free and spontaneous had to have been prom night. Prom night was one of the best nights of my life that will be unforgettable. The reason being that I felt so free was for a couple of different reasons. One, I did not have to be home at any time and I could do whatever I wanted to for prom since it was a once and a lifetime experience. Two, it gave you a chance to dress up and be as pretty as you can be, wear whatever kind of dress you wanted. do you hair however you wanted, and did your makeup how ever you wanted. No one at that point could ever say anything to upset you or make you feel like a total outcast. And the last reason is because it was a relief that senior year was over; I felt so free from all the work, high school drama bullshit, and annoying teachers who were plain psychotic.

I felt so free on the night of prom and at this point nothing could hold me back. I found the perfect dress, got my hair done so pretty, and did my makeup. I felt glamorous and nothing anyone would say would bother me. I was being myself, being all classy and dressy which is something that I absolutely love.

I also did feel pretty spontaneous. At prom, I let go of everything such as all of the problems and drama in my life. I danced most of the night away, since dancing is one of my most favorite things to do. I went wild at prom and had such a wonderful time.

And to top it off, I had the most amazing date, my boyfriend John. He treated me so well and made me feel like I was a million bucks. Everyone was totally jealous that I had the most gorgeous date at the prom and they had all ugly and fat ones. I felt like I was on top of the world at this point.

I didn't end up getting home until about five or six in the morning since we went on a cruise around the city. We maybe slept for a half an hour and then went out to splish splash.

Prom night had to have been the best night I've ever had and something that I wish never ever forget. It's were I was completely free, wild, spontaneous, and uninhibited.

Bob Dylan

Okay, I have to say that Bob Dylan is actually pretty good. The documentary we watched for class bored me to death but after reading up on some of the songs and listening to him, I actually like his music and lyrics. I enjoyed looking up the song I was a assigned which was "Like a Rolling Stone." It was difficult to find but I found this one page off Wikipedia where this guy went nutz dissecting the song. He did all the patterns of the song like the lay out of the lyrics and the ABAB kind of lines, he did the meaning of the lyrics and an in depth analysis. I found out that the song was pretty much written about a girl who is blind to see what's going on around her. How her wealthy life has taken over and made her blind to see everything in life. Now that she has fallen down from this social structure, she is able to learn and grown to see what's around her. This enslavment is what prevented her from being creative. This is also something that many people deal with as well. They have all their material possession, wealth, and status to stop them from being creative and appreciating art. I totally agree with this idea and it's true. Everyone is materialistic and maybe that's what's stoping most from seeing their own creative side. This ties in with everything that we have been learning. For instance why people have issues bringing out their creative sides. It is said from writers block and all that kind of stuff. Maybe it's from this idea that we all have hammered into our brains of how society wants us to be. I respect Dylan for want us to rebel from conforming to society.

Even before reading about all of this for my song, I absolutely loved his "Mr. Tambourine Man" song. I really liked the beat of it and him singing. I couldn't stop listening to it in the car everyday where ever I went. I even played it with my boyfriend in the car, and he looked at me like I was crazy since I don't really like any singers like Dylan. I enjoy a lot of the rock music groups like Guns N Roses and Ozzy and stuff but I would never listen to Dylan. My boyfriend is obssessed with Johnny Cash, who I absolutely hate, so to see me listening and enjoying a bit of Dylan was different and scary. So yeah, I like his music now. =)

A Time of...

I can't write this in poetry because I honestly don't know how I would say it in poetry.

One of the most painful life experiences happened back in May. The first week of May I flew to Chicago to go see my best friend. I went with just his mom because she really wanted to see him. He was stationed in a base over there for the navy which he left for back in august of 2007.

On a side note, there's a huge story behind everything. My best friend Rich and I had dated a while ago when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. We went to two different schools, me in Island Trees and him in Farmingdale. We dated for a good five/six months and eventually ended up breaking up; we were both so young at the time. I kept in contact with his mom because i adored his whole family and they adored me but i didn't speak to her often. Then around Christmas time last year, i got a phone call from his mom that he was leaving and he wanted to see me. I was in complete shock since I had not even spoken to him personally since we broke up. I then spoke to him on the phone for a while and we made plans to meet up. I went over to his house with my mom and, us and his mom and him all hung out. Something obviously sparked between us because he wanted to spend more time with me before he left. We started hanging out, talking a lot, and going out together. This eventually brought back the feelings I had for him and also his for me. It was so hard since he was leaving

At first he was suppose to leave end of June. He then pushed it to the end of August to spend more time with me, and his family and friends. August came so fast and I just couldn't believe he was leaving. I was completely heart broken. The night before he left he came over and all I could do was cry. I fell back in love with him so fast and so much. He even gave me a necklace, it was a gold cross with a heart in it and with it came a dog tag that said "We will always be together." I just couldn't believe he was just going to leave. And the next day he left. I didn't even get to say goodbye because I ended up having to go to my great oma's funeral. I was torn apart.

All I could do was cry constantly. I'd cry during the day and mostly at night. I barely got to speak to him but he sent me letters. We would write back and fourth and keep talking that way. His mom kept telling me how much he really loved me but hated seeing me hurt and hated seeing me sad. So i continued to date other people, which was difficult because I had so many feelings for Rich that I just kept comparing everyne to him. Things never worked out between me and other people and I hated not being so faithful with my feelings to them. It killed me so much.

After a few months, he came home for Christmas. He had two weeks. The first day he came home he came to see me. He was all decked out in his uniform which drove me wild since i cannot resist a man in uniform. He was so muscular and sexy. But he was different. I could tell right off the bat he was different and I wasn't sure it was in a good way. After that day I never really got to see him; he never really made any time for me. It hurt me so bad knowing this. But his mom kept telling me he loved me so much but it was just hard for him to see me because he didn't want to say goodbye and it was so hard for him to leave me. So i accepted that answer and saw him one more time before he left. After that, I went on with my life and continued to have feelings for him.

Then in mid March I was talking to his mom and we decided to go visit him in a town near Chicago which is where his base was. We booked a whole trip and flew out there the first weekend of May. We left on a Friday, which I was a nervouse wreck getting on the plane because I hate flying. But I did it, despite my fear. We saw him Friday night when we landed, and went to dinner. Then we went up to our hotel where we were all staying. His mom slept in one bed, him and I in another. But the entire time he was completely different. He was so unhappy and he didn't want to talk. He didn't want to know anything and didn't have anything to tell me. He was so cold towards me and I didn't understand why. But then I started to realize it wasn't only towards me; it was also towards his own mother. Saturday we went out to chicago and he just ignored me the entire time. But he did take me to this one store in downtown which I went on a crazy shopping spree with. Other than that he was a coplete jerk the entire day. He would walk infront of me with his hood up and hands in his pocket. We ended up fighting and I told him how I felt. How I came all the way out there to be treated like I was nothing. He eventually did apologize, which was hard for him to do but he did.

Then at night we ended up getting cuddley and kissy and stuff like that but didn't do anything futher. He left at five in the morning to go back to his base. He kissed me goodbye and said he loved me and then left. I was heartbroken yet again and started to cry. But I sucked it up. We headed home on Sunday. I was so happy to be home.

At this point, with everything that happened over the weekend, I knew what I had to do. It was time to let go. Time to move on. We were two different people now. He was just so cold, the navy really changed him. I was the warm bubbly me who wanted love. I knew it was something that was never going to happen until he got out which is in about 8 years or so. I knew I couldn't wait any longer, couldn't live in this fairytale land anymore. I just needed to let him go.

So I did.

I let him go. Which this was probably the hardest and most painful thing for me to ever do. I knew I had to, I didn't want to, but I had to.

But that's when I realized how special John was. He was there for me when I told him everything about Chicago, when I cried. I realized how important he was and how much he really cared about me. We started seeing eachother more often, and spending time. And then we evolved into what we are now.

I guess with this experience I learned a lot. I learned that you have sacrfice something you love to get something even greater of a love. I am going to hold this throughout my life.

The real me revised

I am so angry inside
hiding negative emotions deep down
feelings of jealousy and rage
which engulf my insides like a disease
spreading throughout my body to force me
to hate everyone, bitch moan and complain

but i am strong
strong when i fight
which comes from deep down inside
when my blooding is pumping
when my adrenaline is rushing
i don't stop until i see
a beautiful red trickling from any part of their body
it's just something i cannot help

fear is something i barely know
except when it comes to death
i hate the thought of it
and it eats away at my brain

i love anything sexual
but i am not a whore
i respect myself
but i have low self esteem
it's something i desire

sometimes i hate to feel the way i do
i hate myself for being this way
but it's something i cannot change
it's something i will have to live with for the rest of my life
this is the real, deep, dark, me.

this is probably really bad. i just can't write poetry all too much though. bleh.

A short haiku

My love for music grows
deeper and deeper everyday
now carved in my skin.

Haiku was inspired by my tattoo that I just got on my back. I love the pain it gave me and I love how much of a thrill it was. Sadly and sickly, I think it turned me on. haha. I am going to get a few more, but not go absolutely crazy. I just can't stay away from the good pain i desire.

My next one I am going to get by my pant line. It's probably going to be the same thing my bf plans on getting. I am not crazy enough to get his name written on me but I think it would mean a lot for us to get the same tatt. Therefore, even if we do break up (which I doubt is going to happen but never say never) then I will have something meaningful that's not crazy.

What I wish I could get though is a huge rose on my left side that says "My love for you is everlasting" which is my favorite lyric from Killswitch. Either that or "Are we alive, or just breathing?" I don't think I will ever be able to get that though because it will probably be too big and I don't want to go tattoo crazy.

Some more deep pictures I took

There are some pics I took showing a deeper, darker me. The first one and the last one are my most favorite ones. I think they came out really good.