Halloween party for the little kids.

So my grandfather lives in Forest Hills, Queens and they had a huge party for halloween for the kids that live in the complex he manages yesterday. So for the party I made a cake which took me a whole entire day to make. Here's what it looked like:



Everything was eatable except for the tree but I figured I'd share with you what I think is very creative. I worked so hard on this and it was a huge success. Some people even said it was art. I was like huh? lol. On that note, I got an offer to do another cake for this girls birthday; she wants a Hannah Monatana cake or whatever the girls name is. I think I am going to take her up on the offer and get a little bit more creative.

Other than that, the part was also a success. We all had to dress up and scare the little kids. We did a spook walk and they were so scared. My best friend James helped out; he was Mike Meyers. He has a custom made jumpsuit and the mask which he paid a lot for so it looked so realistic. On the way home he sat by the window and scared everyone. One girl even dropped her cigarette out of her mouth and started to bug out. It was hysterical. I don't think the car ride home ever went that fast or was ever that funny. I never thought anyone would react as hysterical these people did. We were dying from all of their actions, wouldn't you be?

Yay

Now this blog is supposed to be psychedelic and weird. Now I tried sitting still and writing down all my thoughts that came to mind during meditation and this is what came to me:

I feel so god damn sick
I feel the puke in my mouth
It wants to come up
but i refuse to allow it
I hate throwing up
I feel like shit
I am about to cry
Here it comes

That's basically all I was able to get out of that. I hate being fucking sick. Especially throwing up, that's the worst thing out of everything. I just want to take my fucking stomach out of my god damn body and throw it out the window. And I am really pissed off because I don't know how to make this shit crazy and shit. So lets see. You want something trippy for a blog? You should have taken a look at all the fucking pretty colors in my puke that swirled together mixed with stomach acid and my morning breakfast of s'mores poptarts. How yummy and tasteful? I hope I am not censoring too much.

I was going to take a picture of how I look like absolute shit after puking up everything that was left in my stomach but fuck that, I am too tired and want to pass out. I honestly don't know how the hell I am typing this stupid blog but I figured I'd try and entertain myself in some way and try and think other thoughts rather than the contents of my stomach. I also figured it was something to do since I was unable to attend class today. The worst is I have a stupid midterm tomorrow in Communications which I bound to fail since I don't feel like studying but I might as well since I have nothing better to do other than sleep and eat fucking soup and crackers all god damn afternoon.

Video from the city trip that was Friday

I made a video from all of the pictures I took from the city which was freaking awesome. The show was so different and unique which I absolutely loved. It was probably one of the best experiences I have ever had.

One of my fears...

So I have this huge fear on death. I was thinking a lot about it last night after posting the blog about the ghosts in my house who we believe is to be my dead Aunt. I am so scared to die, i get so nervous just thinking about it. The worst is when I have dreams about the death of family members and friends. I wake up shaking and freaking out, having a really bad panic attack. I just get so freaked out about it and I don't know why. I have never really been afraid of anything except for this. It all of a sudden started getting worse though which is a huge problem. I never was afraid of horror movies and now sometimes when I watch them, I have to shut them off because of all the people dying. It just gets me thinking a lot and I don't understand why.

What I don't get is what really happens when you die. I mean, I see all these spirits and all this stuff in my own home which leads me to believe they are earth bound for whatever their reason is. Is their really a heaven? Is there really a hell. The worst part is this answer will be forever unknown until we die. I think that is what scares me the most. It's probably the only question in the world without a scientific or even an answer. I guess that's where your beliefs with religion come in. But there is just so much with religion that you never know what to believe in anymore. All you can really do from now on is hope. But it's scary. It's scary to think of it.

I really want to believe there is an after life. I want to believe you still live in soul here on the earth. But I just don't know. I don't know what to feel.

All I know is I am just going to enjoy and live life as much as possible. So that way when death does come, I know I experienced all that I could and have no regrets.

Ghosts much?

So I figured what I would do is post an entry of the ghosts, or what i believe to be ghosts, in my house. I am a great believer in this kind of stuff and absolutely love it (obviously from my previous entries). The oddest thing happened to me about a week or two ago that I should have posted but just didn't since I guess I'm still kind of shocked. Not the last time we were working on our puppets but the time before that, I took off the pre-engagement ring that my boyfriend gave to me so I didn't ruin it. I put it in my bag where I thought it would be safe. I completely forgot to put it back on until later on that night. I searched through my bag and could not find it. I started to bug out and grabbed my mom to help me find it. We both went out to my car and tried to find it since I thought maybe it fell somewhere in my car. I went back inside and looked through my bag again since we failed to find it in the car. My mom grabbed a flash light and went back out to the car to see maybe if we missed it or something. She was kneeling on my passenger seat, looking for it when she started asking my Aunt Trish to please help us find the ring. Now my aunt passed away back in July which was devasting for everyone in my family. Ever since then, I could swear she's still here. We aren't so religious so it was kind of weird for my mom to be praying to my dead aunt to guide us to the ring. Ironically, the ring turned up right next to my moms leg while she was kneeling on the seat. The both of us sat and ran our hands over the seat prior the first time. It was just so weird that it magically turned up.

The next inccident was in my grandma's room. My grandma has been living with us for the past five years or so. She has a big room where she sleeps and her dog stays and she also has a walk in closet. That same night with the whole ring inciddent, her closet door opened out of no where. She came out to the living room and told my mom and I and we started to investigate. We grabbed the camera and went into her room since too many weird things had been happening that night. These are the pictures we took. Notice the orbs near the ceiling.

Now we both believe that since my aunt's little christmas houses are in the closet there, she is attached to them in the closet. But we also walked back into the living room and started snapping pictures and this is what we found:




























The random white lines near the ceiling are something I have never seen before. It only was in these pictures in my living room. We took other pictures of my kitchen and stuff but nothing showed up. Btw, just ignore my brother, he's a weird kid. But yeah that was my weird and interesting ghost experience.

Inner Child

This is my inner child. I have a million stuffed animals that I sleep with all the time hence why my eyes are closed. I tried giving off the idea of me sleeping which I kind of pulled off. But I love stuffed animals so much, I don't think I could ever sleep or live without them. I also braided my hair in pig tails to give the innocent girlish looking affect. Deep down inside we are all still daddy's little girls.

A Time of....

It is one night only
laughing, dancing, having fun
feeling free on prom night?

I figured I would write a Haiku to start this one off. The time where I felt most free and spontaneous had to have been prom night. Prom night was one of the best nights of my life that will be unforgettable. The reason being that I felt so free was for a couple of different reasons. One, I did not have to be home at any time and I could do whatever I wanted to for prom since it was a once and a lifetime experience. Two, it gave you a chance to dress up and be as pretty as you can be, wear whatever kind of dress you wanted. do you hair however you wanted, and did your makeup how ever you wanted. No one at that point could ever say anything to upset you or make you feel like a total outcast. And the last reason is because it was a relief that senior year was over; I felt so free from all the work, high school drama bullshit, and annoying teachers who were plain psychotic.

I felt so free on the night of prom and at this point nothing could hold me back. I found the perfect dress, got my hair done so pretty, and did my makeup. I felt glamorous and nothing anyone would say would bother me. I was being myself, being all classy and dressy which is something that I absolutely love.

I also did feel pretty spontaneous. At prom, I let go of everything such as all of the problems and drama in my life. I danced most of the night away, since dancing is one of my most favorite things to do. I went wild at prom and had such a wonderful time.

And to top it off, I had the most amazing date, my boyfriend John. He treated me so well and made me feel like I was a million bucks. Everyone was totally jealous that I had the most gorgeous date at the prom and they had all ugly and fat ones. I felt like I was on top of the world at this point.

I didn't end up getting home until about five or six in the morning since we went on a cruise around the city. We maybe slept for a half an hour and then went out to splish splash.

Prom night had to have been the best night I've ever had and something that I wish never ever forget. It's were I was completely free, wild, spontaneous, and uninhibited.

Bob Dylan

Okay, I have to say that Bob Dylan is actually pretty good. The documentary we watched for class bored me to death but after reading up on some of the songs and listening to him, I actually like his music and lyrics. I enjoyed looking up the song I was a assigned which was "Like a Rolling Stone." It was difficult to find but I found this one page off Wikipedia where this guy went nutz dissecting the song. He did all the patterns of the song like the lay out of the lyrics and the ABAB kind of lines, he did the meaning of the lyrics and an in depth analysis. I found out that the song was pretty much written about a girl who is blind to see what's going on around her. How her wealthy life has taken over and made her blind to see everything in life. Now that she has fallen down from this social structure, she is able to learn and grown to see what's around her. This enslavment is what prevented her from being creative. This is also something that many people deal with as well. They have all their material possession, wealth, and status to stop them from being creative and appreciating art. I totally agree with this idea and it's true. Everyone is materialistic and maybe that's what's stoping most from seeing their own creative side. This ties in with everything that we have been learning. For instance why people have issues bringing out their creative sides. It is said from writers block and all that kind of stuff. Maybe it's from this idea that we all have hammered into our brains of how society wants us to be. I respect Dylan for want us to rebel from conforming to society.

Even before reading about all of this for my song, I absolutely loved his "Mr. Tambourine Man" song. I really liked the beat of it and him singing. I couldn't stop listening to it in the car everyday where ever I went. I even played it with my boyfriend in the car, and he looked at me like I was crazy since I don't really like any singers like Dylan. I enjoy a lot of the rock music groups like Guns N Roses and Ozzy and stuff but I would never listen to Dylan. My boyfriend is obssessed with Johnny Cash, who I absolutely hate, so to see me listening and enjoying a bit of Dylan was different and scary. So yeah, I like his music now. =)

A Time of...

I can't write this in poetry because I honestly don't know how I would say it in poetry.

One of the most painful life experiences happened back in May. The first week of May I flew to Chicago to go see my best friend. I went with just his mom because she really wanted to see him. He was stationed in a base over there for the navy which he left for back in august of 2007.

On a side note, there's a huge story behind everything. My best friend Rich and I had dated a while ago when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. We went to two different schools, me in Island Trees and him in Farmingdale. We dated for a good five/six months and eventually ended up breaking up; we were both so young at the time. I kept in contact with his mom because i adored his whole family and they adored me but i didn't speak to her often. Then around Christmas time last year, i got a phone call from his mom that he was leaving and he wanted to see me. I was in complete shock since I had not even spoken to him personally since we broke up. I then spoke to him on the phone for a while and we made plans to meet up. I went over to his house with my mom and, us and his mom and him all hung out. Something obviously sparked between us because he wanted to spend more time with me before he left. We started hanging out, talking a lot, and going out together. This eventually brought back the feelings I had for him and also his for me. It was so hard since he was leaving

At first he was suppose to leave end of June. He then pushed it to the end of August to spend more time with me, and his family and friends. August came so fast and I just couldn't believe he was leaving. I was completely heart broken. The night before he left he came over and all I could do was cry. I fell back in love with him so fast and so much. He even gave me a necklace, it was a gold cross with a heart in it and with it came a dog tag that said "We will always be together." I just couldn't believe he was just going to leave. And the next day he left. I didn't even get to say goodbye because I ended up having to go to my great oma's funeral. I was torn apart.

All I could do was cry constantly. I'd cry during the day and mostly at night. I barely got to speak to him but he sent me letters. We would write back and fourth and keep talking that way. His mom kept telling me how much he really loved me but hated seeing me hurt and hated seeing me sad. So i continued to date other people, which was difficult because I had so many feelings for Rich that I just kept comparing everyne to him. Things never worked out between me and other people and I hated not being so faithful with my feelings to them. It killed me so much.

After a few months, he came home for Christmas. He had two weeks. The first day he came home he came to see me. He was all decked out in his uniform which drove me wild since i cannot resist a man in uniform. He was so muscular and sexy. But he was different. I could tell right off the bat he was different and I wasn't sure it was in a good way. After that day I never really got to see him; he never really made any time for me. It hurt me so bad knowing this. But his mom kept telling me he loved me so much but it was just hard for him to see me because he didn't want to say goodbye and it was so hard for him to leave me. So i accepted that answer and saw him one more time before he left. After that, I went on with my life and continued to have feelings for him.

Then in mid March I was talking to his mom and we decided to go visit him in a town near Chicago which is where his base was. We booked a whole trip and flew out there the first weekend of May. We left on a Friday, which I was a nervouse wreck getting on the plane because I hate flying. But I did it, despite my fear. We saw him Friday night when we landed, and went to dinner. Then we went up to our hotel where we were all staying. His mom slept in one bed, him and I in another. But the entire time he was completely different. He was so unhappy and he didn't want to talk. He didn't want to know anything and didn't have anything to tell me. He was so cold towards me and I didn't understand why. But then I started to realize it wasn't only towards me; it was also towards his own mother. Saturday we went out to chicago and he just ignored me the entire time. But he did take me to this one store in downtown which I went on a crazy shopping spree with. Other than that he was a coplete jerk the entire day. He would walk infront of me with his hood up and hands in his pocket. We ended up fighting and I told him how I felt. How I came all the way out there to be treated like I was nothing. He eventually did apologize, which was hard for him to do but he did.

Then at night we ended up getting cuddley and kissy and stuff like that but didn't do anything futher. He left at five in the morning to go back to his base. He kissed me goodbye and said he loved me and then left. I was heartbroken yet again and started to cry. But I sucked it up. We headed home on Sunday. I was so happy to be home.

At this point, with everything that happened over the weekend, I knew what I had to do. It was time to let go. Time to move on. We were two different people now. He was just so cold, the navy really changed him. I was the warm bubbly me who wanted love. I knew it was something that was never going to happen until he got out which is in about 8 years or so. I knew I couldn't wait any longer, couldn't live in this fairytale land anymore. I just needed to let him go.

So I did.

I let him go. Which this was probably the hardest and most painful thing for me to ever do. I knew I had to, I didn't want to, but I had to.

But that's when I realized how special John was. He was there for me when I told him everything about Chicago, when I cried. I realized how important he was and how much he really cared about me. We started seeing eachother more often, and spending time. And then we evolved into what we are now.

I guess with this experience I learned a lot. I learned that you have sacrfice something you love to get something even greater of a love. I am going to hold this throughout my life.

The real me revised

I am so angry inside
hiding negative emotions deep down
feelings of jealousy and rage
which engulf my insides like a disease
spreading throughout my body to force me
to hate everyone, bitch moan and complain

but i am strong
strong when i fight
which comes from deep down inside
when my blooding is pumping
when my adrenaline is rushing
i don't stop until i see
a beautiful red trickling from any part of their body
it's just something i cannot help

fear is something i barely know
except when it comes to death
i hate the thought of it
and it eats away at my brain

i love anything sexual
but i am not a whore
i respect myself
but i have low self esteem
it's something i desire

sometimes i hate to feel the way i do
i hate myself for being this way
but it's something i cannot change
it's something i will have to live with for the rest of my life
this is the real, deep, dark, me.

this is probably really bad. i just can't write poetry all too much though. bleh.

A short haiku

My love for music grows
deeper and deeper everyday
now carved in my skin.

Haiku was inspired by my tattoo that I just got on my back. I love the pain it gave me and I love how much of a thrill it was. Sadly and sickly, I think it turned me on. haha. I am going to get a few more, but not go absolutely crazy. I just can't stay away from the good pain i desire.

My next one I am going to get by my pant line. It's probably going to be the same thing my bf plans on getting. I am not crazy enough to get his name written on me but I think it would mean a lot for us to get the same tatt. Therefore, even if we do break up (which I doubt is going to happen but never say never) then I will have something meaningful that's not crazy.

What I wish I could get though is a huge rose on my left side that says "My love for you is everlasting" which is my favorite lyric from Killswitch. Either that or "Are we alive, or just breathing?" I don't think I will ever be able to get that though because it will probably be too big and I don't want to go tattoo crazy.

Some more deep pictures I took

There are some pics I took showing a deeper, darker me. The first one and the last one are my most favorite ones. I think they came out really good.

The horror

My body is numb
as is my heart and soul
I don't feel pain any longer
I just feel my tolerance becoming stronger
But this is taking a toll
taking a toll on me so bad
I just want to hide everything
everything I am feeling inside

I just don't get why god hates me so much
hates me enough to put me through all this
I can't take it anymore
It's eating away at my insides
I am breaking down

I am breaking from this horror
this pain
this shit i have to deal with
everyone is a bunch of two faced motherfuckers.
and I am sick of letting them walk all over me
I am so sick of being so nice
They all can just go to hell
Because I am so strong

I am strong enough to beat out their lies
see through their lies
and eat their lies
I can see right through them
I read people very well
So if you are a two faced liar sack of crap
then stay away
because at this point i may rip off your face
because i am so sick of being treated like this.