I am not who you really think I am. Maybe on the surface, I am a sweet and innocent young girl. But inside me there's a whole lot more. I am very ugly inside sometimes, but I don't care. I get mad over stupid things, but it's how I feel. I am a jealous, self centered bitch who loves the attention. I am jealous of girls who are prettier then me, so I pay attention when they are around my love. If they touch him or even try something, he knows I will cut their throat. I am angry inside, very angry. I have a sense of hatred towards many people, people who are not worth my time. I love to fight, it's something I desire. I'm just waiting for something to erupt so I can pounce and kill. I have no way to control my anger, it is some type of disease. I see red and can't remember much, only what I am told. I feel like I drift into another world that's red and black, and I don't know what I am doing. I don't know my own strength or when to stop. I will only stop if I see massive amounts of blood or if the person is not breathing. If someone says something wrong or looks at me wrong, I automatically do not like them. I don't fear much, only the idea of death. I love to race even though it's illegal. I refuse to drink or even to drugs. I don't respect anyone who has that problem. I also believe that any girl who drinks, becomes drunk, and gets rape deserve it. They should pay the consequences of being out of their mind. I love anything kinky, and I love anything sexual. But I am not a whore, nor do I sleep with the whole god damn world. I hate girls who disrespect themselves like that. I am a strong woman, very strong. I was built that way by my mom. She taught me not to put up with male dominance. And to keep them in line so they don't walk all over me. I have been hurt a lot in my past by breaking down this barrier. So I have learned so much, more than a lot of people experience. I am dying inside because of loneliness. I do not mean by boyfriend girlfriend loneliness, I already have that. The way I mean it, is I want to have someone I can call my best friend. I want to be able to go out and have a girls night or do girly things. This is something I don't have because all the girls I have been friends with in the past have fucked me over. I yearn for this type of relationship. I never truly had a best friend. But for some reason I can't make girl friends like that. Hence why I have resorted to being friends with all guys. I feel so ugly inside, even thoug I don't care. I have a low self esteem. I was always made fun of in high school by my classmates. They always called me fat, ugly, threw food at me. I was the outcast that nobody liked in my grade but I made friends with guys in other grades. I have always thought I was never good enough or any part of me was good enough. But eventually I realized, that nothing makes them right and who are they to judge? Yet after I realized this, I still have this low self esteem.
It's scary to know of this ugly side of me. But it's how I am, it's what I am, and who I am meant to be.
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4 comments:
wow julie. just wow.
i know what it feels like to be made fun of. i hate those girls who did that to me also. god, they were such bitches.
You have some good images here. I bet that this can be turned into an interesting poem if you gave it a shot.
On suggestion: a blog should be inviting to people who happen upon it. Think about breaking up your text a bit into shorter paragraphs and try to include some photos of yours.
good job! I really liked it!
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